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19. I don’t ask the drink specials. 18. You know my dad’s name. 17. You noticed my socks. 16. I don’t use mixers. 15. I use “finance” as a noun, not a verb. 14. Mine’s an 09 13. Trust Fund. 12. I don’t make mistakes. 11. Everything I do and say is planned. 10. I’ve never dated a fat girl, but the girls I do date keep thinking they are fat. 9. I can hold my breath for 3 and 1/2 minutes. 8. Ask your girlfriend. 7. Your girlfriend thinks I have nice hair. 6. Your girlfriend’s opinion doesn’t count. 5. I don’t own scissors because I don’t want you to ever think I “clipped a coupon” 4. I change cars based on the season. 3. You can’t pronounce my Mother’s maiden name, Welslingtons. 2. You just tried and got it wrong. 1. I have better hair than you.
I’m just a natural. I don’t have an ego problem. That’s like saying Def Leppard had an awesomeness problem. But I am here to help. The survey below will help you gauge just how far away you are from my level. Here’s how you do it. Start off with 10 points. Simply add or subtract points based on the numerical value next to the answer you select.
When going on a road trip you:
The last girl you dated:
Tonight after work you will most likely:
The $1 bill has how many stars on it:
Your pimp hand is:
When paying for a dinner date you:
Now calculate your total score and compare to the key below.
6pts -16pts: Don’t come back. And remember, the more effective way is cutting in a vertical direction rather than the more popular and glamorized horizontal direction.
17pts-30pts: You have a chance. Don’t give up. I’ll die someday and the levels of “elite” will all move up. 31pts: You’re either me or Burt Reynolds. You think you know but you have no idea. Every Tuesday I will post a helpful fact or piece of quick advice that will prevent you from looking like a jackass.
Look, I know you are trying but let me explain the difference between 346 and 1818. Your shirt, the one that says “346” on the tag, is from an outlet. Yep, Brooks Brothers has gone out of their way to help me easily identify imposters. Do you think they really want to sell discount shirts and ties? The answer is no. They put a different tag in their outlet brand rather than the “est. 1818” stitching. This is very similar to Mercedes making the C class and Blackberry making the Pearl. They do this so poors can say, “yeah I had to put the top up on my Benz cause my Brooks Brothers tie was flapping around while I was on my Blackberry”. What I hear is, “I have a benz with cloth seats and my $25 dollar tie was about to get ruined while I tried to change shifts cause I was supposed to close the dining room.” Give it up. Stick the Ed Hardy. No one at TJ Maxx will judge you.
And if you don’t know, now you know. After three solid years of work, I needed a vacation. Time to head to the outer banks of North Carolina. Throwing my bags in the back seat, I jumped in the truck for the 6 hour drive. Winding down the back roads of Trailerville, NC, I realized that I had been listening to the same play list for about 3 weeks. If I heard “The Climb” one more time I was going to kill a homeless man. What’s that you say? YES, I was listening to Miley. With that being brought to light, I would like to claim Miley Cyrus in the name of all heterosexual males. While we’re at it, we want Taylor Swift and JoJo too(you know, the girl who sang that catchy song “Leave”). You gay guys may have stolen Kylie Minogue from us back in ‘01 but you won’t win this time. Here’s my reasoning. I don’t just want something if I can’t gain from it. Everything in life has a value. Miley, Taylor and JoJo all indicate the direction I take when dealing with a rando at the bar. Each of these singers classifies what kind of girl I’m dealing with. Now here’s the thing. All girls will sing along to the chorus of a song and have fun with it. I’m talking about the girl that mouths the words of each verse to herself. Examples: Setting: Outside porch at a local bar. 1. Taylor Swift song plays (verse mouther) Probably has very low self esteem. Didn’t make the cheerleading team, not ugly but if you press her she’ll do whatever you want just to feel needed. 2. Miley Cyrus song plays (verse mouther is probably wobbling in the corner alone) S. L. U. T. JACKPOT! Just be sure to look out for yourself. This one is a biter. Keep an eye on her fingers, that could be a disaster. She drank in HS, majored in Fashion Retail and you are just another number. 3. JoJo song plays What the fuck kind of bar are you at? You should probably leave. Bringing everything together, how do girls expect me to know anything about them if all of a sudden listening to teenage girls sing makes me gay. Conversation? FAIL. In sumation, it pains me to be forced to roll my windows up every time “Party In The USA” come on XM. I won’t be judged anymore. No longer will I restrain the 12 speak Bose vocal cords in my truck. If I want to bob my head, fuck you, I’ll do it. It’s research. Just ignore my spirit fingers at the stop lights
Sorry, Candi, Mandi, and Brandi. You’re doomed to spend the rest of your life in the trailer park you came from. Your only way out is a name change. Blame your parents, they knew about the letter “y” years ago. I know, I know you are “different and unique”. You are also, by default, a skank. Sorry. Learn from it. Give your daughters the chance you never had. Until then, just remember, guys tend to tip more if you make eye contact.
And if you don’t know, now you know.
No matter how cool you think you are, it’s never okay to wear madras anything. Sweet, Polo sells it; Mathew McConaughey wears it. You, my friend, will look like a total douche wearing the blanket your grandmother made you. There’s a reason it’s always on the clearance rack. Unless you are a Polo model or the star of the new reality show, “I Dress Like an Idiot” stay away from the quilted clothing.
And if you don’t know, now you know.
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So I know that you read the blog and ask yourself, “How is this guy so much better than me?”. Other than the obvious reasons stated on my “better than you” page:
You think you know but you have no idea. Every Tuesday I will post a helpful fact or piece of quick advice that will prevent you from looking like a jackass.
You think you know but you have no idea. Every Tuesday I will post a helpful fact or piece of quick advice that will prevent you from looking like a jackass.