19. I don’t ask the drink specials.

     18. You know my dad’s name.

     17. You noticed my socks.

     16. I don’t use mixers.

     15. I use “finance” as a noun, not a verb.

     14. Mine’s an 09

     13. Trust Fund.

     12. I don’t make mistakes.

     11. Everything I do and say is planned.

     10. I’ve never dated a fat girl, but the girls I do date keep thinking they are fat.

     9. I can hold my breath for 3 and 1/2 minutes.

     8. Ask your girlfriend.

     7. Your girlfriend thinks I have nice hair.

     6. Your girlfriend’s opinion doesn’t count.

     5. I don’t own scissors because I don’t want you to ever think I “clipped a coupon”

     4. I change cars based on the season.

     3. You can’t pronounce my Mother’s maiden name, Welslingtons.

     2. You just tried and got it wrong.

     1. I have better hair than you.

I’m just a natural. I don’t have an ego problem. That’s like saying Def Leppard had an awesomeness problem. But I am here to help. The survey below will help you gauge just how far away you are from my level. Here’s how you do it. Start off with 10 points. Simply add or subtract points based on the numerical value next to the answer you select.

When going on a road trip you:

1. Sit “shotgun” (+2)
2. Drive (+1)
3. Laugh at poor people that don’t fly private on your way to the airport.(+3)

The last girl you dated:

1. Was an education major (+3)
2. Was the 08 captain of the HS varsity cheer squad (+4)
3. Contributed to the decision making in the relationship (-2)

Tonight after work you will most likely:

1. Grab a drink at the bar (+2)
2. Relax at home (-1)
3. Brush up on your bocce game (+3)

The $1 bill has how many stars on it:

1. 15 (-1)
2. 12 (-2)
3. Fuck $1 bills. They are for strippers and manual laborers. (+3)

Your pimp hand is:

1. Strong (+2)
2. Moderately strong (+1)
3. You have never used the term “pimp hand” (+3)

When paying for a dinner date you:

1. Use a credit/debit card (+2)
2. Use cash (+1)
3. Do you know who the fuck my parents are? They own this place and your girlfriend and I are not “just friends”. (+5)

Now calculate your total score and compare to the key below.

6pts -16pts:

Don’t come back. And remember, the more effective way is cutting in a vertical direction rather than the more popular and glamorized horizontal direction.

17pts-30pts:

You have a chance. Don’t give up. I’ll die someday and the levels of “elite” will all move up.

 31pts:

You’re either me or Burt Reynolds.

Look, I know you are trying but let me explain the difference between 346 and 1818. Your shirt, the one that says “346” on the tag, is from an outlet. Yep, Brooks Brothers has gone out of their way to help me easily identify imposters. Do you think they really want to sell discount shirts and ties? The answer is no. They put a different tag in their outlet brand rather than the “est. 1818” stitching.

This is very similar to Mercedes making the C class and Blackberry making the Pearl.

They do this so poors can say, “yeah I had to put the top up on my Benz cause my Brooks Brothers tie was flapping around while I was on my Blackberry”.

What I hear is, “I have a benz with cloth seats and my $25 dollar tie was about to get ruined while I tried to change shifts cause I was supposed to close the dining room.”

Give it up. Stick the Ed Hardy. No one at TJ Maxx will judge you.

And if you don’t know, now you know.

What’s that you say?

YES, I was listening to Miley.

With that being brought to light, I would like to claim Miley Cyrus in the name of all heterosexual males. While we’re at it, we want Taylor Swift and JoJo too(you know, the girl who sang that catchy song “Leave”). You gay guys may have stolen Kylie Minogue from us back in ‘01 but you won’t win this time.

Here’s my reasoning. I don’t just want something if I can’t gain from it. Everything in life has a value. Miley, Taylor and JoJo all indicate the direction I take when dealing with a rando at the bar. Each of these singers classifies what kind of girl I’m dealing with.

Now here’s the thing. All girls will sing along to the chorus of a song and have fun with it. I’m talking about the girl that mouths the words of each verse to herself.

 Examples:

 Setting: Outside porch at a local bar.

1.  Taylor Swift song plays (verse mouther)

Probably has very low self esteem. Didn’t make the cheerleading team, not ugly but if you press her she’ll do whatever you want just to feel needed. 

2.  Miley Cyrus song plays (verse mouther is probably wobbling in the corner alone)

S. L. U. T.  JACKPOT! Just be sure to look out for yourself. This one is a biter. Keep an eye on her fingers, that could be a disaster. She drank in HS, majored in Fashion Retail and you are just another number.

3.  JoJo song plays

What the fuck kind of bar are you at? You should probably leave.

Bringing everything together, how do girls expect me to know anything about them if all of a sudden listening to teenage girls sing makes me gay. Conversation? FAIL. 

In sumation, it pains me to be forced to roll my windows up every time “Party In The USA” come on XM. I won’t be judged anymore. No longer will I restrain the 12 speak Bose vocal cords in my truck. If I want to bob my head, fuck you, I’ll do it. It’s research. Just ignore my spirit fingers at the stop lights

You think you know but you have no idea. Every Tuesday I will post a helpful fact or piece of quick advice that will prevent you from looking like a jackass.

Sorry, Candi, Mandi, and Brandi. You’re doomed to spend the rest of your life in the trailer park you came from. Your only way out is a name change. Blame your parents, they knew about the letter “y” years ago. I know, I know you are “different and unique”. You are also, by default, a skank. Sorry. Learn from it. Give your daughters the chance you never had. Until then, just remember, guys tend to tip more if you make eye contact.

And if you don’t know, now you know.

You think you know but you have no idea. Every Tuesday I will post a helpful fact or piece of quick advice that will prevent you from looking like a

No matter how cool you think you are, it’s never okay to wear madras anything. Sweet, Polo sells it; Mathew McConaughey wears it. You, my friend, will look like a total douche wearing the blanket your grandmother made you. There’s a reason it’s always on the clearance rack. Unless you are a Polo model or  the star of the new reality show, “I Dress Like an Idiot” stay away from the quilted clothing.

And if you don’t know, now you know.

You think you know but you have no idea. Every Tuesday I will post a helpful fact or piece of quick advice that will prevent you from looking like a jackass.

Listen up Randy and Tina, stop watching Real World, put down the Mountain Dew and take a few notes.

It is never okay to chew gum. Have you ever seen someone that makes over fifty grand a year chewing gum? Your boss doesn’t chew gum. Your grandfather doesn’t chew gum. Jesus didn’t chew gum.

Answers to your reasons for chewing gum:

“I like my breath to be fresh after lunch.” -A mint is acceptable after a meal.

“It makes my teeth whiter.” – Brush your teeth to whiten them.

“I have an oral fixation.” –Email me for my phone number.

And if you don’t know, now you know.

Guys, this one is for you. When on a date it’s important that you know how to order. First, find the cheapest item on the menu. Then immediately cross it off your list of possibilities. Second, even if you don’t want one, order an appetizer.

1. If you are taking someone else out to eat you should be able to afford 2 meals. Not one meal and a grilled cheese.
2. The girl gauges what she orders based on the price of your entree.
3. If you chose the correct girl (with sexy gray teeth and thinning hair), even if she gets a huge meal you know she will soon excuse herself to the restroom.

Reminder: A “to go” box secures the fact that that is the only box you will be getting that night.

And if you don’t know, now you know.

This particular story stars the craziest of all crazies. I have been very apprehensive about posting this but the time has come. This girl shall remain nameless but here are the facts.

1. She is a 10.
2. She thinks I’m the cat’s pajamas
3. I’m taking my life in my own hands by posting this.

It started as a simple date. Good times, a few drinks (she has a good fake) and some rocky conversation.

Reminder: she is hot; there is no need for her to be smart.

As we struggle through dinner it becomes very apparent that this girl has never worn a pair of Jack Rogers sandals and has never been forced to listen to one of her own horrible stories. I’m pretty sure that a gift card from Rave would ensure a life time of blowjobs.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

At about 8 PM I arrive at her place. This house is amazing, complete with brass lions at the end of the driveway. Her family must be loaded and bought this house for her to live in.

 Nope, her parents’ house. (Fail Count 1)

 She jumps in the truck , and as we drive uptown, I suggest a few restaurants.

“What are you in the mood for, babe?”

 Before I can finish the question she basically yells, “OUTBACK!” (Fail Count 2) 

Are you fucking kidding me? This is what she picks? This may be a good time to swing by the mall and pick up that Rave gift card. I bite my tongue and head for the Outback. All I can think is that I’m going to run into that poor family that eats out “nice” every Friday.

You know the family. Dad orders a Fosters. Mom gets a glass of Sutter Home. The three kids share a chicken finger basket. I hate that family. Come on, you know the family I’m talking about. Right?

 HA! Trick question. If you know anyone like that chances are you are poor too. I was simply referring to the people I saw on the commercial. Get your poor eyes off my blog.

Back to the story, now that we have gotten rid of the imposters (outlet shoppers).

 We get our food and she immediately puts her gum on the side of her plate. If I could have killed myself right then and there with a dinner roll, I would have. I spend the next hour watching her twirl her hair and talk about “modeling”. As she took her last bite I signal for the check. I pay, we leave. I drop her off.

 End of story right? Not a chance.

 I begin to get random calls from numbers I don’t know asking me why I won’t answer Date’s call. I should have known better than to answer numbers I don’t recognize. No good comes of them. They are either calling about money you owe or to tell you that you are a father (which leads to money you owe).

 Fast forward seven months. I get a note from my ex-girlfriend’s sister. Not weird, we are great friends. My date has just “friended” my ex on Facebook and started commenting on her pictures. One week later I get another note with a screen shot. My date is now following my ex on Twitter.

 I think I may be dealing with Swim Fan here. I lock my doors. I warn the girls I am friends with. This girl may want to wear my ass as a hat.

 I have learned something from this situation though. Perhaps you could say I have grown up a little. From now on, I’m talking every time, when meet a girl in a high school parking lot, I’m giving her a fake name until I know she hasn’t spent time in a mental hospital.

You think you know but you have no idea. Every Tuesday I will post a helpful fact or piece of quick advice that will prevent you from looking like a jackass.

When visiting the residence of a friend or acquaintance, it is important to know that the custom cabinetry is a sign of affluence. To avoid looking like a poor, here is a tip:

The door that houses the trash receptacle always has the knob located in the center of the lower drawer. Knowing this will avoid the embarrassment of asking where you should dispose of your change upon returning from the bars.

And if you don’t know, now you know.