It was a great wedding. Small, but plenty of single girls. Mostly 7’s with a sprinkling of 8’s and 9’s (I never just give out the 10, at least never before 2AM). The reception was wine and beer. This could be a problem for an amateur but don’t worry about me.
 
I’m a +1. As a matter of fact I’m a damn good +1.
 
1. I show well.
2. I flirt with the moms.
3. I know the article your dad is referring to in The Journal.
 
With this said, I lead the charge of wine shots. Who cares what the bitchy aunt thinks . Mom is already telling everyone, “He is just the sweetest guy” and grandma is giving me “fuck me” eyes.
 
Fast forward 3 hours.
 
The Cast: Bre, Lindsay, Jessica, Brittney, Ali, Mallory and lil’ ole’ me.
 
The Scene: Home Town Bar.
 
We walk in and heads turn. I’m in a suit with 3 bridesmaids and 3 other girls that are dressed for a wedding. Win for Patrick.
 
I walk up to the bar and order 7 tequila shots. Let’s get this night started the right way. We circle up, put our glasses in the middle then boom, down then hatch. I squeeze my lime into my mouth to avoid the the taste of a cheap liquor and sub par cleaning job of  bartender Brandi.
 
 Then it happens. The noise of 6 girls all at one time yelling “Wooooooo!” I laugh it off. No big deal. They are having a great time and one of them will need a sober ride after we get home. That’s right AFTER. High five.
 
We get our beers and settle into our area of the bar. I start talking to the one that made her bridesmaid dress look just a little too slutty to be worn in a church. She has nothing interesting to say and I spend my time laughing when she laughs and asking if she needs another beer.
 
She turns her head for a split second and I jump at the chance to upgrade. I’m too late. The band just fucked me to the tune of “Jessie’s Girl”. No one really likes this song, but sure enough every fucking girl in the group puts her hands up the in the air and does it again, “Wooooooo”.
 
Was this really needed? How crappy is her life that a 20 year old song she hears 4 times a week makes her yell and put her hands in the air? As they dance with each other I make my way to the bar for another tequila shot, make it 2. I’ll need something to get through this. Getting back to the group they ask where I have been and giggling push one of the other girls to talk to me. I feel like I’m in fucking 1st grade.
 
Rule 5: Never commit to a conversation before the cab has been called.
 
It’s a trap. She will want to “talk to you” and “get to know you”. Then you are fucked (only figuratively). “I really like you and had fun talking to you. I don’t want this to be just a hook up”, is the next thing out of her mouth.
 
Back to the story.
 
We continue to drink and dance and it becomes obvious that everything in the world makes this group of girls put their hand in the air, lean their head back and scream. I take 2 more tequila shots by myself (up to 5 now if you are counting). I relax and start to calm down over the continuous siren of yelling.
 
Later that night I learned a life lesson that was well overdue.
 
It is 100% fact that tequila will help you deal with the pain of yelling girls. But tequila does not discriminate. You are forced to go without ANY yelling girls for the next 4-5 hours. And there is no cure for, “Do I not turn you on?”