After three solid years of work, I needed a vacation. Time to head to the outer banks of North Carolina. Throwing my bags in the back seat, I jumped in the truck for the 6 hour drive. Winding down the back roads of Trailerville, NC, I realized that I had been listening to the same play list for about 3 weeks.  If I heard “The Climb” one more time I was going to kill a homeless man.

What’s that you say?

YES, I was listening to Miley.

With that being brought to light, I would like to claim Miley Cyrus in the name of all heterosexual males. While we’re at it, we want Taylor Swift and JoJo too(you know, the girl who sang that catchy song “Leave”). You gay guys may have stolen Kylie Minogue from us back in ‘01 but you won’t win this time.

Here’s my reasoning. I don’t just want something if I can’t gain from it. Everything in life has a value. Miley, Taylor and JoJo all indicate the direction I take when dealing with a rando at the bar. Each of these singers classifies what kind of girl I’m dealing with.

Now here’s the thing. All girls will sing along to the chorus of a song and have fun with it. I’m talking about the girl that mouths the words of each verse to herself.

 Examples:

 Setting: Outside porch at a local bar.

1.  Taylor Swift song plays (verse mouther)

Probably has very low self esteem. Didn’t make the cheerleading team, not ugly but if you press her she’ll do whatever you want just to feel needed. 

2.  Miley Cyrus song plays (verse mouther is probably wobbling in the corner alone)

S. L. U. T.  JACKPOT! Just be sure to look out for yourself. This one is a biter. Keep an eye on her fingers, that could be a disaster. She drank in HS, majored in Fashion Retail and you are just another number.

3.  JoJo song plays

What the fuck kind of bar are you at? You should probably leave.

Bringing everything together, how do girls expect me to know anything about them if all of a sudden listening to teenage girls sing makes me gay. Conversation? FAIL. 

In sumation, it pains me to be forced to roll my windows up every time “Party In The USA” come on XM. I won’t be judged anymore. No longer will I restrain the 12 speak Bose vocal cords in my truck. If I want to bob my head, fuck you, I’ll do it. It’s research. Just ignore my spirit fingers at the stop lights