So I know that you read the blog and ask yourself, “How is this guy so much better than me?”. Other than the obvious reasons stated on my “better than you” page:

 

     19. I don’t ask the drink specials.

     18. You know my dad’s name.

     17. You noticed my socks.

     16. I don’t use mixers.

     15. I use “finance” as a noun, not a verb.

     14. Mine’s an 09

     13. Trust Fund.

     12. I don’t make mistakes.

     11. Everything I do and say is planned.

     10. I’ve never dated a fat girl, but the girls I do date keep thinking they are fat.

     9. I can hold my breath for 3 and 1/2 minutes.

     8. Ask your girlfriend.

     7. Your girlfriend thinks I have nice hair.

     6. Your girlfriend’s opinion doesn’t count.

     5. I don’t own scissors because I don’t want you to ever think I “clipped a coupon”

     4. I change cars based on the season.

     3. You can’t pronounce my Mother’s maiden name, Welslingtons.

     2. You just tried and got it wrong.

     1. I have better hair than you.

 

I’m just a natural. I don’t have an ego problem. That’s like saying Def Leppard had an awesomeness problem. But I am here to help. The survey below will help you gauge just how far away you are from my level. Here’s how you do it. Start off with 10 points. Simply add or subtract points based on the numerical value next to the answer you select.

 

When going on a road trip you:

1. Sit “shotgun” (+2)
2. Drive (+1)
3. Laugh at poor people that don’t fly private on your way to the airport.(+3)

 

The last girl you dated:

1. Was an education major (+3)
2. Was the 08 captain of the HS varsity cheer squad (+4)
3. Contributed to the decision making in the relationship (-2)

 

Tonight after work you will most likely:

1. Grab a drink at the bar (+2)
2. Relax at home (-1)
3. Brush up on your bocce game (+3)

 

The $1 bill has how many stars on it:

1. 15 (-1)
2. 12 (-2)
3. Fuck $1 bills. They are for strippers and manual laborers. (+3)

 

Your pimp hand is:

1. Strong (+2)
2. Moderately strong (+1)
3. You have never used the term “pimp hand” (+3)

 

When paying for a dinner date you:

1. Use a credit/debit card (+2)
2. Use cash (+1)
3. Do you know who the fuck my parents are? They own this place and your girlfriend and I are not “just friends”. (+5)

 

 

Now calculate your total score and compare to the key below.

 

6pts -16pts:

Don’t come back. And remember, the more effective way is cutting in a vertical direction rather than the more popular and glamorized horizontal direction.

 

17pts-30pts:

You have a chance. Don’t give up. I’ll die someday and the levels of “elite” will all move up.

 31pts:

You’re either me or Burt Reynolds.