Frat-tivities

With the weather becoming nice I wanted to inform you of several do’s and don’ts pertaining to summer fun. I will provide a list of warm weather activities that will assure you don’t appear to be a douche or poor.

The first of the acceptable events:

Tennis

Where else can you put on a collar and short shorts and participate in an athletic past time? I like to show up in all white just so you know I’m fresh. In my bag I keep the necessities; my racket, tennis balls, water bottle, The Wall Street Journal and my resume. I’ll probably close a deal before I leave.

Girls, there are only 2 times that it is acceptable for you to wear a short skirt and grunt loudly.

1. At the tennis court.
2. Did I mention I have satin sheets?

The adult date party. Put on a tux, head to the CC. Time for an open bar and taking advantage of girls that have a new found hope for love. Put a few shots in her hand, twirl her around the dance floor, next thing you know she is telling her friends that you remind her of the movie A Walk to Remember.

Girls, pretend you are drunk and we’ll pretend that “(you) really don’t usually do this”.

Frat Sodas

Any bar with an outdoor seating area is prime real-estate to sit back and enjoy a relaxing beer. The benefit is that you can drink at a bar without being forced to see My New Hair Cut. During the daylight hours these guidos stay in polishing their sneakers and ironing their dragon print shirts.

With this being said there are several activities that are not acceptable.

Running with your shirt off

Though I don’t condone running at all, I realize that after college something needs to be done to keep in shape. But under no circumstances is it ok to have your shirt off while running though the neighborhood. A cotton t-shirt does not make you sweat more. NO EXCUSES. Everyone owns a t-shirt, put one on. My former stance on running was that it is only acceptable if being chased by killer bees or……well nothing else. If you think about it, how cool can you look while running. Nothing is important enough to run to. Do you know who I am? Whatever it is it can wait for me.

Frisbee Golf

I hope you get hit by a car. Enough said.

And worst of all, Tanning in public

I don’t care who you are, what you do or who your parents know. It is never ok to publicly lay out. You look like an idiot. Yeah, sweet, everyone knows you have an awesome tribal band on your arm. Congrats, while you were working on those abs all winter I was keeping your girlfriend warm. Did you know friction causes heat? Didn’t think so.

Keep laying out. Your girlfriend has a short skirt and doesn’t play tennis.