Dinner for None

Spring just hit Charlotte. Perfect times for outdoor drinking, bacci ball and girls in skirts. You know the ones the defy physics. They’re made out of that t-shirt material and no matter how hard the wind blows they go up only enough to piss you off.

Anyway, I was at the mall picking up some new deck shoes and linen pants when I walked past a line of people that all seemed to be waiting in line for a NASCAR event. What the fuck was going on. Dale Earnhardt must have risen from the grave and is personally giving everyone an OTPHJ (over the pants hand job). I continued around the corner and ,fuck me, it is a Ruby FUCKING Tuesdays. What are these people thinking? Are they really waiting in line to eat at a restaurant that is attached to a mall? Rule #7 in not looking like Best Buy employee of the month. Never eat at a restaurant that is attached to a mall.

For everyone that just said, “but Cheese Cake Factory is attached to a mall”, please send me your address and I will personally drive to your house (where ever you have parked it that week) and give you $20 to punch you in the face. Furthermore, if you just thought about if you would let me punch you for $20, stop reading. I hope you are sterile and are never able to reproduce.

Seeing these people made me wonder, “Does Olive Garden have too long of a wait?”

I can hear it now:

“Well, gee ma. You think we cen jus sher one of dem bottomless pasta bowls?”
“does 8.99 include tax?”
“if we ask for no salad can we get a discount?”

Where do these people come from? I have a guess. They come from neighborhoods that don’t have names. “The Shady Tree Trailer Park” doesn’t count. If your house is not from an esteemed neighborhood with a gate and a name you probably fall for tricks like:

1. Kids eat free (if you can’t afford to pay for your kids meal maybe you should not be reproducing). Poor.
2. “Bottomless” or “endless”, how long has it been since your last meal that you need to count on dinner being never ending? Get a job, Poor Fail.
3. Catchy names. No successful man has ever ordered a meal that is called “Zippy Chicken Swingers”.
4. Did you see a commercial for a special they have? When was the last time you saw a commercial for a Country Club. If something is really that good they don’t need to advertise.

The last of the poor test is this . If you have ever eaten at a restaurant that has replaced “ing” with just the letter “n” (e.g. Flamin’, Jumpin’, Bloomin’, Rockin’) you are no friend of mine.

Don’t come into my fratosphere with your Lee jeans and oversized wallet. Is that a $50 bill sticking out? Someone must have had a birthday! Maybe if you tell the waitress the will bring a free slice of cake and 7 forks.