This weekend I made a critical mistake. I was trapped standing next to an average girl.

 

Let me Tarantino this shit for you so you can see how it came to be that I would be forced into conversation and drinks with a “6”.

 

The weather this weekend in Charlotte was perfect: 85 degrees without a cloud in the sky. At 5 PM on friday I was the first one out the door and on my way to the local patio bar. After a few beers I was ready to mingle. The only problem was that there was only one girl on the porch. She was sitting with a group of older guys that were clearly work associates. This should be easy.

 

She was about 24 at least an “8”. These guys were fat and in their 50’s. She and I had made eye contact a few times earlier. My hair was looking great. She never had a chance. About 20 minute passed  before she got up to go inside and get a beer. This was it. With full beer in hand I set it on the table leaving my friends to talk about their weekend plans.

 

Me-“Babe, what’s up?”

 

Her-“Hey, just grabbing a beer after work”

 

Me-“I’ll get this one for you”

 

Me (to the bartender)- “A Budweiser for me and a diet beer for the lady”

 

Her-“ha ha ha, did you say a diet beer?!?”

 

(Owned, this girl is mine. Laughing and continuing the conversation)

 

We walk outside and both go our separate ways. She at her table of fat guys. Me at my table of Frat guys. About 30 minutes later her group gets up to leave and she comes over to see if we are staying. I tell her yes and pull her up a chair (like shooting fish in a barrel).

 

Talking for a while we all decide it’s time to go home, eat and get ready for the late night festivities. We exchange numbers and as it turns out we are both planning on going to the same bar later that night. Perfect, “we should definitely meet up”, were the words that sealed my fate.

 

Jumping out of the shower I shoot her a text, “be there at 11, pregaming at friends”. She replies “fun, see you then”.

 

11PM is the approximate time I realized that I was the Mayor of Retard Town.

 

I walked in and there she was. Standing alone at the bar staring at the door. I had done the unthinkable. I brought sand to the beach. It wasn’t even the pretty white sand, it was the kind that has crappy shells and seaweed in it.

 

I had made a crucial mistake earlier. It is a well known fact that girls look 10 times hotter when they’re alone. This was the case with my little beauty. With nothing to compare her to she was great. Now looking around I realized that my “8” had rapidly dropped to a “6” at best.

 

“In the land of the blind the Cyclops is king”

 

She might as well have had this tattooed on her back. If not, she should.

 

No one buys the first apple they pick up at the grocery store. You look around the pile. Feel a few of them. Compare their qualities.

 

I now realized that her cute cheeks were where she had been storing food for the winter. Was she wearing Mudd jeans? She was even carying the same bag she had earlier in the day. Does she not realize Kate Spade is not for all occasions?

 

I’m fucked. Hot girls everywhere. And I’m forced to stand next to the Hobbit.

 

Only one way out: Feed her shots.

 

Lemon Drops, Kamikazes and Tequila.

 

“Babe, let’s get you a cab. I think you’re pretty drunk”

 

I had heard of guys doing this before but wasn’t sure if it really worked. I was about to attempt the ole “cab n’ back”.

 

I waited in front of the bar for the cab to pull up. Opening the back door I nudged her in. She slid across thinking that I would be joining her in the back (idiot). I sat in front as she sang 80’s song and giggled. Whispering to the cabby, I explained that I will not be getting out when we reach our destination. As soon as she exits we should leave immediately and circle back to the bar. He laughs and lets me know he understands (come to think of it I don’t really know if he spoke English. It may have been the look on my face that sent the message.)

 

We pull up to her house and she steps out. Then slam, the door shuts. She turns around confused just in time to see my face duck down as we reverse out of her driveway.

 

It was over. I’ve slayed the dragon. Now I just have to dodge her for the next several years I live here. That will be a hell of a lot easier than my friends seeing me with an ugly chic.